Resisting change, refusing help and more

I have the opportunity to render some service in my community by doing some pro-bono lay counseling and coaching work. I continue to notice both in my private practice as well as in my volunteer work some consistently recurring patterns (hey, it's what I do) that effectively hamstring the some of the finest folks you'd ever want to meet.

Which of these PITFALLS apply to you?

Negative self talk: This dandy includes internal beratement as well as what I like to call "the stories we tell ourselves". These stories include seemingly "factual" declarations such as, "I can't rely on anyone else ever", "No matter what I do, I can't seem to get ahead", "The world is not a nice place", "Money is scarce".

Refusing help: Over and over I see really smart people do the same dumb thing: when faced with a daunting challenge or circumstance they do not ask for help. They fail to use the abundant resources around them, and then wonder why their lives are so hard. Even worse, those same people outright refuse offers of assistance, help, support, and encouragement. They stubbornly, steadfastly insist that they can do everything just fine all by themselves in the face of contradictory results. They refuse to acknowledge that they are allowing, even encouraging their pride, ego, embarrassment or stubbornness to make their lives harder by requiring personal effort instead of expanding their life skills repertoire to include delegation, inclusion, and cooperation.

(whew, that was wordy)

Here's what I know: we did not incarnate on a planet of over 6 billion people to do everything alone, fercrissakes. In fact, the very smartest, most savvy folks I've ever known have sought out help (assistance, cooperation, support) early and often. It's one of the key practices that materially contributes to their overall success in life.

Failure to follow through: Talk a big game or make attainable goals, either is an exercise in futility if there's no follow through. One of the biggest mistakes I observe in this area relates to the concept of cooperation and assistance talked about above. Folks make plans, goals and allow themselves to dream, only to never manifest those desires simply because they didn't follow up their ideas with simple actions. Even the smallest step produces shift. Shifting behavior in turn shifts energy (or is it vice versa? *grin*) and personal momentum is created. Further, setting up relationships in which accountability is maintained and consequences are like gravity in their application is a sure fire way to create an environment for getting stuff done. Rewards for achievement, refocus and reaffirmation for the continued learning experience that results from unmet goals and challenges. Empowerment and tenacity naturally arise.

Guilt and blame: This humdinger is a real doozy. Folks blame, berate and assign guilt to themselves for real and (many times) imagined shortcomings or failures. They use those feelings and judgments to dis-empower themselves, choosing to mistakenly believe that they are defined forevermore primarily according to their supposed faults.

Defining the self according to the past: This topic hearkens back to the passage above on guilt and blame. So very many times I've encountered people who experience themselves as victims of their circumstances. They relate to everything through the filter of what I call their "stories". These may be anything from the tenacious clinging to past labels such as "I was an abused child so things are harder for me", "I've always been poor", "I've never been good at anything"; to the present day feelings of helplessness that are exacerbated by self talk about how trapped the victim feels. They also feel as though they are at the invariably negative effect of the people and circumstances around them, and have little or no power to effect meaningful change.

Resisting change: Most people would rather stay comfortable than risk pain through growth. Maybe not consciously, but definitely we as humans value our feelings of comfort and safety. It is when we sacrifice our gifts, talents and dreams in service of our fear of change that we become disenfranchised from our innate personal power.

People allow their fear of change to stop them from taking meaningful positive action in their lives. They also build up feelings of dread regarding relatively small tasks and aspects of their lives, blowing their significance all out of proportion and succumbing to irrational terrors. What folks tend to forget is that the temporary flash of fear that can accompany taking action or making change is far, far less debilitating than the constant grind of dread.

Believe it or not, lots of people really dread losing their small scale lives, thinking that they are, right now, not capable of handling/attaining the life of their dreams. They have the opinion that they are unprepared and inadequate to the task of achieving their dearest goals. What they fail realize is that, when they -do- achieve the results they seek, they will have, by dint of the process alone, become the person who indeed can and does handle that amazing life with deft alacrity.

So, there you have it, a Monday tome about some of the pitfalls of being human in this life and these times.

My shameless plug of the day: Folks who know their own unique Life Purpose have direct access to an unlimited internal wellspring of natural motivation. People like athletes use coaches whether they want to simply improve their performance or wish to achieve "gold medal" results. CEO's in Fortune 500 companies use executive coaches to help them hone their own considerable game and become more effective players, managers and leaders.

Combining Life Purpose awareness with the unfair advantage of coaching boosts the average life and person into levels of performance that exceed those of people who insist on trudging through life stubbornly reinventing the wheel for themselves.

I am now expanding my private practice as well as continuing to supply Life Purpose Discovery sessions in person or via phone/email. Please -do- write or call to schedule your own personal 2 hour Life Purpose Discovery session or to talk about my unique brand of coaching and how it might serve you.

A bit of inspiration

Well, my mountain is still on fire, though my town is safe. I am still periodically pondering the concept of what is truly important to me. Here's a long time favorite poem that speaks to this.

"The Invitation" by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithlessand therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day,and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

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What do you hold dear? What really matters?

I can hear the helicopters as they fly over my house

The mountain that I live on is on fire. The helicopters are back to dumping water from our lagoon on the hottest spots on the hillside far above me and over the ridge. The sky is full of smoke.

Yesterday evening I was part of the volutary evacuation of my neighborhood. I waited, car packed, dog already in his seat, until I could hear as well as see the flames advancing on my tiny town. Scary. I left, but returned after the fire changed direction and they were able to secure the town. My street is the last highest one on the mountain that they were allowing people to return to. Everyone who lives in the streets above me were not allowed back to their homes yesterday evening. Everyone 3 streets above me were forcibly evacuated, I've no idea if they've been allowed back yet.

We've been advised to stay indoors and seal up our homes (close the windows, don't vacuum, all sorts of things like that) until the air is fit to breathe again. The smell of woodsmoke is in the house anyway, and there is ash on my car from the few hours it was out of the garage during the evacuation.

Due to the valiant efforts of a great many folks, my town is so far untouched, though I just spotted the copters closer than they've been all day. The winds are up and heading in our direction again.

What becomes important at times like this? Well, I can tell you what's packed in my car right now and ready to go. A dufflebag with 2 changes of clothes, my dop kit and my jewelry (it's negotiable currency that I could sell if I need to). The dog's blanketbed, 2 bags of dog food, his favorite toy and ball, a leash and some poop bags. Until an hour ago my PC was in my miata (my soon to be published book is in it, fercrissakes), but I've hooked it back up for now. If I see any more fire it gets shoved back in the car on my way out of town again. I've packed my passport and birth certificate, along with my personal phone books and rolodex. A box of pictures, a couple of jackets.

What is important? Life. Family. Friends. What I've learned, and what I want to teach. Who I am.

The house, newly remodeled? The lovely clothes, the new measuring cups in the kitchen? The art lovingly carried back from last year's trip to Italy? Not so much.

Soon (if the helicopters stop dropping water on the ridge) I am leaving to take a neighbor with heart and lung problems out of town and to a mall some miles away, where the air is filtered and he will hopefully feel better. We do what we can in times like these, yes?

Such a strange day.

Short on time, long on love

Today I heard a fine firebrand of a young man about 20 years old say some pretty darned inspirational things, and one of the many great things he said in his short speech stood out in particular, shining like a beacon and touching my heart.

"Some measure success by how much they've achieved. Others measure success in terms of the obstacles they have overcome." -Maurice Taylor, president of the 2008 graduating class of the Glide Youth Build Program.

'Nuff said.

"And lead us not into temptation"

"The biggest human temptation is to settle for too little." ~Thomas Merton

"Faster horses, younger women, older whiskey, more money"

I've been corresponding with a middle aged male friend recently, and we got to talking about mid life crisis, and how men in particular handle it. Since the majority of my private practice is is men from 30-50, I've gained some insight from these smart, insightful, honest and candid men.

I had joked that most of what I see less introspective and self aware men doing when they reach that mid life stage can be easily summed up in this key phrase, "re-arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic".

My friend replied, "I think the key phrase is 'faster horses, younger women, older whiskey, more money" If you can afford these indulgences, I do not think you are attending a life purpose workshop."

Here is my [edited and augmented for this blog] reply:

"Au contraire, many's the man who has come to me precisely -because- "faster horses, younger women, older whiskey, more money" turned out to be not as fulfilling a reality as they had hoped it would be.

"Faster horses, younger women, older whiskey, more money" is what I call "re-arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic". This is a gender peculiar thing. A significant percentage of men, when they hit their mid life crisis, look around and say, "Crap, this isn't what I want. I'm not happy." So (here's the cliche in action) some of them set about to changing things: they trade in the wife and kids for a trophy chick, get a sports car and hair plugs, and otherwise engage in ultimately futile behaviors that do not ultimately address their lack of fulfillment.

They vigorously pursue transient pleasures, trying to soothe their ever increasing sense of dissatisfaction. Those are the guys who fail to examine themselves first. Because of this critically missed first step, they lose the chance to do some significant introspection before they engage in major life upheaval. They mistakenly think that by concentrating on changing their circumstances they will achieve the sought for inner satisfaction that they are now all too aware of lacking.

They throw the baby out with the bathwater.

If they knew to look inside themselves first, they'd be more likely come to the realization that they are the source of everything in their lives. They'd realize that in order to empower themselves they must evolve, examine and re-evaluate their core perceptions as well as their present practices, goals and behaviors. Always, it's an inside job, first. Many men leave great lives they've built based on some significant and worthy core values before they realize that they can empower themselves right within the life they already have. They lack critical discernment.

Likewise, some men stay in situations far too long that are clearly toxic because they feel trapped by their circumstances, lack of meaningful direction and sense of feeling purposeless; and that comes from not going within, as well. It's always an inside job. First and foremost, an inside job. Always always always.

Here's what's worse: as a society we neither support nor encourage men to take time for personal growth, vision questing, goal reassessment, life path correction, any of that. We fail to support our men in living rich lives, mistaking the attainment of financial gain or social reputation for true wealth. We sell them, and outselves, short by not empowering them to live purposefully. We pigeon hole them, limit them, dishonor them, assigning to them artificial values and inappropriate expectations that hamstring their abilities to truly excell.

A man without a sense of purpose is a sad thing indeed.

Sometimes, changing circumstances is absolutely necessary to one's growth, health and general well being. Some other times, the only thing necessary for empowerment is to change one's perspective. Actually, the latter is true most of the time. But only by becoming clear about Self (Life Purpose, spiritual center, etc.) and taking the time and effort to clearly identify the underlying core values that need to be honored in order to be truly happy, will anyone be able to make the best decisions about what to change and what to cultivate."

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How does all this relate to Life Purpose? Well, when a person is clear about their purpose, decision making becomes easier and inbued with a sense of "right direction". The results from actions taken in accordance with their authentic core are much more likely to be directly forwarding as well as immediately and ultimately rewarding. Making the best choices regarding what to do, what to study, which relationships serve and which alliances hinder, inner clarity, all spring naturally from a place of conscious context(Life Purpose).

Speaking from my years of experience as a life coach and counselor, people who are clear about their Life Purpose make FAR fewer stupid mistakes, and the mistakes they do make are less encompassing in scale than the ones they made before they did this important work for themselves.

What I've noticed personally is that the men who are aware of and act in accordance with their Life Purpose avoid the worst of the mid life crisis. This piece of self awareness saves time and money, increases love, boosts energy, lessens suffering and provides an internal wellspring of positive motivation.

This work rocks. It changes lives.

Well, I'm off to make a vision board to give my graphic designer that will inspire the look of the upcoming (soon to be released) Life Purpose Discovery journal/workbook. This workbook will enable just about anyone to take themselves through the Life Purpose Discovery process on their own. Our goal is to have this resource available for purchase online before my birthday in August.

Futile, hopeless, discouraged? The way out...

“It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare. It is because we do not dare that things are difficult.” ~Seneca.

So many people I encounter on a daily basis are living lives of quiet desperation.

They had thought their jobs would fulfill them, that making a living was the best way to make a life for themselves. That maintaining a lifestyle matters more than living a full,rich satisfying life. And after accumulating enough stuff to fill a house, garage, and all their closets, they're still miserable.

Let's face it, in the great big scheme of things, "stuff" is the booby prize. No one on their deathbed ever said, "I should have spent more time at work and less time doing what I love with the people I love". That's because the "dying" have a much clearer sense of what is really important than most of us who are "living".

So, what's important? It varies from person to person, but there are some consistent themes that appear when they are asked. Here are some of the most common:

Love
Meaningful work
Making a difference
Service
Family
Connection
Spirit

What I have come to know is that, in order to live a rich fulfilling life, we must dare to take action on the things that are most important to us at the core of our being.

This is risky. There's not a lot of buy-in from our society around authentic living. There IS a lot of buy-in around looking good, accumulating possessions, getting ahead, and there's a LOT of buy-in around scarcity and competition.

It is a radical act to live according to one's inner guidance. It is risky to act on your dreams when the easy money only requires that you sell yourself out.

So, what to do, what to do?

Well, if you're at all like me and so many others, you come to realize that the trappings of success as measured by our culture is not the way you wish to measure your own life.

Then the question becomes, "what the heck do I do NOW?".

I have some answers (you knew that, right?). The first thing you need to do is get clear about your Life's Purpose, the conscious context of your life from which your unlimited wellspring of internal motivation and satisfaction originates.

After you're clear, a game plan is needed. It can be as simple as following the attractive energy of purpose, as creative as making vision boards, or as elaborate as a detailed plan/outline for creating business and pleasure that reflects your passions, skills, talents and purpose.

The most important thing you can do to change your experience of your circumstances is to change your perspective to a purposeful one. Everything, and I do mean everything, shifts when viewed from a place of lucid purpose.

So, if you feel that your efforts are futile, that your outlook is hopeless, and if you're discouraged, there is an easy way out.

I'll be talking more about how to live a purposeful life in later blog entries.

NEWS!!! I finished the first draft of the new Life Purpose Discovery Journal/Workbook yesterday. It will be ready for distribution very soon, and then you'll be able to figure out your own unique Life Purpose for yourself. 'Til then I am still doing private Life Purpose Discovery sessions both in person and over the phone.

Well, here we are....

Hello fellow travelers of this earthly plane.
This blog is intended to provide inspiration, answers and insights into living a Purpose filled life. It will include quotations, excerpts from the Life Purpose Discovery Workbook and the upcoming book on Life Purpose, and some random and not so random musings from moiself.

My work in the world is to help people uncover and embrace their quintessential nature as a catalyst for empowerment. I do this by getting folks clear about their unique Life Purpose.

My own Life Purpose is to Revel in the Light. In action terms, I light people up.

Now, if this Life Purpose statement does not mean much at all to you, then you've noticed one of the great things about this system of discovery: A person's Life Purpose statement needs to be deeply meaningful, but ONLY to the person whose Purpose it is. To everyone else, it probably doesn't mean much. The blessing is that it doesn't have to.

I've created a system that easily reveals a person's Life Purpose. Life Purpose is not a job desription or a skill set. Life Purpose, as we use it, is about creating conscious context.

The passage below is excerpted from the Life Purpose Discovery Workbook, all rights reserved.
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The critical concept of conscious context:

One of the key differentiations between this and other “find your purpose” work is
that this work is not geared toward the transcendent and eternal Self ala Ekhart
Tolle nor is it oriented toward providing a career path or job description. This
work deals with the context of one’s life. Think of conscious context like a big
container for the content, or “stuff” that fills your days and consciousness. The
“stuff” of your life is always contained within an energy field, whether you’re
cognizant of it or not. Conscious context is the keystone that provides crucial
foundational support to the overarching themes and directions of your life.

One of the biggest differences between those who succeed at fulfilling their Life’s Purpose, and those who fail to become actualized, is that the successful folks have been driven internally by a clear sense of who they are at the core of their being and/or what they absolutely have to do.

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Okay, so now that you've read the simple and concise definition of conscious context, there's one question for you to ask yourself:

What is my own Life Purpose?

If you don't know the answer to that question, you're probably wasting your valuable time and resources doing things that do not fulfill or satisfy. You've got a job instead of a calling. Your relationships are stale or downright toxic. Money, time, all your resources seem to be in short supply.

Get clear about your Life Purpose and you'll experience so profound a perspective shift that you'll wonder why everyone isn't required to know.